Why I Should Speak at the Convention(s)
Two prominent Catholics have now been invited to pray, and speak, at the Republican and Democratic national conventions: Cardinal Timothy Dolan, the archbishop of New York and the president of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops; and Sister Simone Campbell, S.S.S., director of Network, a Catholic social justice organization. Inviting two such prominent Catholics has riled up those who feel that religion does not belong in politics, much less in a political convention. Tempers have flared, op-eds have been written, teeth have been gnashed.
Party bigwigs face a seemingly intractable problem: You need someone to pray at your convention, and you want to appeal to Catholic voters, but a prominent Catholic will only raise controversy.
So let me set forth a (satirical, in case you haven’t figured that out) solution: invite someone not so well known. And I have a suggestion: me. For a small fee, I will address one (or, fingers crossed, both) conventions and will do a fine job. Here is a (by no means exhaustive) list of my qualifications, plus why I’ll get out the vote for your party, should I be invited by your wonderful party, which, by the way, I have always supported.
1.) I pray a lot. A lot. Like, several times a day. For example, I have memorized both the Hail Mary and Our Father, as well as the Salve Regina (which I can sing in Latin—wouldn’t that be cool onstage?) not to mention the prayers of the Mass. Or at least I used to know the prayers of the Mass until they changed everything. Now I can barely make it through the Nicene Creed without looking at those little cards in the pews. Anyway, I’m a good pray-er. So you’ll get the religious vote. That’s what, like 50 million people? Not bad, huh? Starting to see the wisdom of my proposal? Thought so. [more]